Anyone know where I can get a free IQ test? Just out of curiosity.

Jesus H. Christ.
You know what? Hold that thought. I'm going to go fix myself a drink.

*Short pause while Andrea pours six shots of vodka and a splash of orange juice.

Now.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Jesus H. Christ. So, I'm trying to quit smoking. And it fucking sucks. I'm supposed to quit by the 24th, but if I keep having days like this, that's going to be like, the 24th of June.

Woke up this morning, got vaguely ready for work, chugged some coffee, got ready to take Dad to work. We're sharing a car, and believe me, it sucks. As Dad is getting out, he asks me to deposit a check in his bank account. Fuck. He banks at the Frost Bank on Thousand Oaks by 281. I have the time, but I really hate going there. For those of you who are not very familiar with that part of town, Thousand Oaks is very hilly and curvy. It's the Marilyn Monroe of bitchy roads. So of course, I'm going the speed limit and some fuckface is tailing me. He's so far up my ass, I cannot see any part of the hood of his car. I was so scared he was going to hit me that when I took the turn in to the bank, I was going a little too fast and my purse flew so hard, it hit the windshield. Follow full-blown panic attack.

Then Robyn calls me. You know how sometimes you know you owe someone a really huge favor, and you simply dread the day that that favor is called in? Today was that day. She starts out with a simple question: "What time do you get out of work today?... Oh, that's perfect! Can you pick me up from work afterwards?... Where? 410 and Bandera." Yeah, I work at 1604 and Nacogdoches. And I have the sense of direction of a concussed goldfish. I got lost. Four times. Once in the airport, which I have had nightmares about. Problem is, she's picked me up several times from work. Oh, and she has to pick up her car from I-10 and DeZavala on the way because it's somehow broken. So we get to my house, and she starts trying to take some small electrical thingy off her car with a really cheap wrench. Don't get me wrong, she knows what she's doing. She can do nearly anything that needs to be done to a car except for body work. But that fucking wrench isn't working, so now we have to go to Wal*Mart, AKA the City of Hell (at least, to me it is), and get a goddamn ratchet set. Which I paid for. Then, when she's finally done, and I'm exhausted, she comes inside and starts talking with my mom. For forever. I actually had to kick her out.

Work was in between all of this bullshit. It was more bullshit.

I had five cigarettes today. Which I think is pretty good, considering...

Hello, Chicago.

(APPLAUSE)

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

(APPLAUSE)

It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference.

It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

OBAMA: We are, and always will be, the United States of America.

(APPLAUSE)

It's the answer that led those who've been told for so long by so many to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America.

(APPLAUSE)

It's the answer that led those who've been told for so long by so many to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America.

(APPLAUSE)

A little bit earlier this evening, I received an extraordinarily gracious call from Senator McCain.

(APPLAUSE)

Senator McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he's fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.

I congratulate him; I congratulate Governor Palin for all that they've achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead.

(APPLAUSE)

OBAMA: I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart, and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton...

(APPLAUSE)

... and rode with on the train home to Delaware, the vice president-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

(APPLAUSE)

And I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years...

(APPLAUSE)

... the rock of our family, the love of my life, the nation's next first lady...

(APPLAUSE)

... Michelle Obama.

(APPLAUSE)

Sasha and Malia...

(APPLAUSE)

... I love you both more than you can imagine. And you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us...

(LAUGHTER)

... to the new White House.

(APPLAUSE)

And while she's no longer with us, I know my grandmother's watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight. I know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my sister Maya, my sister Alma, all my other brothers and sisters, thank you so much for all the support that you've given me. I am grateful to them.

(APPLAUSE)

OBAMA: And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe...

(APPLAUSE)

OBAMA: ... the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best -- the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America.

(APPLAUSE)

To my chief strategist David Axelrod...

(APPLAUSE)

... who's been a partner with me every step of the way.

To the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics...

(APPLAUSE)

... you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you've sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn't start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington. It began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston. It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give $5 and $10 and $20 to the cause.

It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy...

(APPLAUSE)

... who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep.

It drew strength from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on doors of perfect strangers, and from the millions of Americans who volunteered and organized and proved that more than two centuries later a government of the people, by the people, and for the people has not perished from the Earth.

This is your victory.

(APPLAUSE)

OBAMA: And I know you didn't do this just to win an election. And I know you didn't do it for me.

You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime -- two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century.

Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us.

There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after the children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage or pay their doctors' bills or save enough for their child's college education.

There's new energy to harness, new jobs to be created, new schools to build, and threats to meet, alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there.

I promise you, we as a people will get there.

(APPLAUSE)

AUDIENCE: Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!

OBAMA: There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as president. And we know the government can't solve every problem.

But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And, above all, I will ask you to join in the work of remaking this nation, the only way it's been done in America for 221 years -- block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began 21 months ago in the depths of winter cannot end on this autumn night.

OBAMA: This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were.

It can't happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other.

Let us remember that, if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers.

In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long.

Let's remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House, a party founded on the values of self-reliance and individual liberty and national unity.

Those are values that we all share. And while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress.

(APPLAUSE)

As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, we are not enemies but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.

And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have won your vote tonight, but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I will be your president, too.

(APPLAUSE)

OBAMA: And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces, to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of the world, our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand.

(APPLAUSE)

To those -- to those who would tear the world down: We will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security: We support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright: Tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope. (APPLAUSE)

That's the true genius of America: that America can change. Our union can be perfected. What we've already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that's on my mind tonight's about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She's a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing: Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

(APPLAUSE) OBAMA: She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn't vote for two reasons -- because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin. And tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America -- the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can. At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can. When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs, a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

AUDIENCE: Yes we can. OBAMA: When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

AUDIENCE: Yes we can. OBAMA: She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that "We Shall Overcome." Yes we can.

AUDIENCE: Yes we can. OBAMA: A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination.

And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change.

Yes we can.

AUDIENCE: Yes we can. OBAMA: America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves -- if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment.

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.

(APPLAUSE)

I just watched this special about tattoos. Mostly it covered people who get tattooed literally from head to toe, but it also had this psychiatrist who talked about why people get tattoos. It was very interesting, but the psychiatrist seemed like an asshole. Maybe he's right, maybe not. Here's what he said.
He said that most people who get tattoos, especially women, get tattoos as some sort of revenge. They do it because they got hurt, and they want to shock or impress. Other reasons for getting tattoos include marking something important in life, such as a break up or falling in love, a birth or death of a loved one, going into or getting out of bootcamp. The psychiatrist said that he's always right because the reason is in your subconscious, so you can't know why because its buried, and since he's the expert, he knows. Actual words: "You can't win. I'm the expert."
I currently have two tattoos. One I love, the other I don't really care for, but I'm working on getting that redone. I honestly couldn't tell you why I got tattoos. I can say that they are addictive, and I'm already looking into getting more done. I can say that for the most part, I love the attention I get from them when others see them, especially the one I like.
I'm proud of my tattoos, and I've learned a few things with them, such as you have to know what you want. That is an important life lesson. Many of us can say what we don't want, but have difficulty pinning down the specifics of things we do want. You can say that you want a loyal significant other, but how does that manifest? When I got my first tattoo, I was afraid to speak up about what I wanted. As a result, I got purple. Of every color in the goddamn rainbow, I hate purple the most. I wanted a black tattoo, with no color whatsoever. I let the douche doing it talk me into color, and I don't like it. It wasn't very expensive, but I shouldn't have paid. It is forever. When I got my second tattoo, I talked to the artist for over a half hour, and went into a lot of detail of what I wanted. He took his time drawing it out with marker first, and asked what I thought. I made a few changes, and he didn't object or act offended. I will definitely go back to him.
My family's reaction was interesting. My mom, stating clearly that she would never get a tattoo, said they were pretty, and that it is my body and I can do whatever I want with it. My father hates them, and cannot believe I would do something like that, but accepts the permanence of it. Funny story about my sister and her six-year-old son, though. About a month ago, I wanted to go swimming. I told my parents, and they invited my sister and my nephew. When they called her, my sister asked what kind of swimming suit I would wear. I told her my bikini - it was the only one I have. She got upset, and said she didn't want her son to see my tattoo, that he wouldn't understand. When we got there, I took off my tshirt and shorts, and got in to the pool. Benjamin, my nephew, didn't say anything at all. Nearly an hour later, he was sitting next to me outside of the pool. Everyone got really quiet as they noticed him staring at my right side, which is covered in a ten inch by six inch black star design tattoo. He looked up at my finally, and said, "Hey, you have a tattoo." I said that yes, I did indeed. Then he said, "I have a new towel. It has Transformers on it," and then jumped in the pool. We had a great time.
One of the funny things about tattoos is how much they hurt. Don't let anyone tell you that they don't, because it fucking hurts. Imagine what a cat scratch feels like, and then imagine getting scratched by said cat over and over again, slowly, and in more or less the same place for nearly two hours. When it is done, it feels like a very serious sunburn for the next three days, until it starts to peel and itch. My second tattoo reached up to my ribcage, and that was the most painful part. The tattoo artist actually said that aside from his throat, that was the most painful tattoo for him, and he was covered from his throat down. I got a great deal, too, only (ha, only) $125. I still say it was worth it. Things that are worth doing are rarely easy.
I think the reason I love it so much, and why I'm planning on doing it again is because it was for me and only me. I didn't do it for anyone else, and not to impress or shock or show off. I love it, and it is a part of me. It is done, it is over, and it cannot be taken away.

So its been over a month. I'm sorry, and I seem to have missed some drama, as have you.

By now, I'm sure everyone knows Edmond and I (sort of?) ran into Becca. And then ran out. Note: it was my suggestion to leave. Frankly, I don't think I could stand being in a room with her. Funny, I've never hated -truly hated- someone I've never technically met. All I've seen of her: the back of her head. It was sort of amusing in hindsight. We had just started our first drinks, when Peter and Edmond both sit up, gasp, and then look down. Me: "What? What? What the fuck?" Edmond mumbled something about this night getting awkward. Peter jumps up from the table, runs away, the scurries back. THEN they tell me Becca is there. I know what I would have done if it had been my ex (who, incidentally, also cheated on me for several months). I would have jumped up from the table and started a fight... which was almost my first reaction here. Well, we left. Which was good, because I was starting to have visions of accidentally-on-purpose bumping in to her in the bathroom and putting her face through the mirror. I was literally shaking when we left, but I didn't say anything. What could I have said?
Next evening, we get back to his apartment after work. Edmond is strangely quiet. I ask him how he is, and he says he's good. Really good. Curious. "What happened?" "Closure."
Apparently, they had a little text... thing. "Battle" is too dramatic and such. "Conversation." Sure. The one thing I will hand that bitch is that at least she, unlike my ex, admitted she cheated. Sure, it took her almost a year, but whatever. She told him it only happened twice, but I don't think he believes that. I couldn't ask him outright.
When I found out my ex was cheating on me, she lied outright. I found her phone (hidden under her pillow), and read the text messages: "last night was amazing," "i want to hear your voice before i go to bed," and i think the worst was, "when are you going to get rid of that bitch?" "soon as i can." Funny, she even told me, early on in the relationship, that her credo for whenever she gets into trouble was, "deny, deny, deny." I almost wanted to believe her. Fucking cheaters.

Done with finals. After very little studying, I will say that I had divinely inspired moments of clarity throughout my test. I don't like to guess how I did, but I felt good. Things just came to me. The benefits of being an English major: you certainly know how to bullshit for teachers.

Work is good. I have days at work where I get so frustrated with the customers and the two or three incompetent employees, but a couple of days ago, I had a day with my boss and a couple of more experienced employees, and even though it was busy as all get out, it was a good feeling. Everything ran smoothly, and we were still out of there in less than ten minutes after closing. It was a good reminder of times past.

On a sad note, and something I'm really not ready to talk about in detail, my cousin killed herself on Mothers' Day. Short version (no, really, this is the short version): we used to be really close. She's a little less than two years older than me. When she graduated from high school, she got really fucked up, started doing way too many drugs, and dropped off the face of the planet. Nobody heard from her for three years. Then, she shows up one day on her parents' doorstep with a kid she says is hers. The baby is maybe six months old. She leaves the kid and takes off. Next time we hear from her was probably in February or so, when she got arrested. She was posing as a hooker, and in what the Corpus Christi newspaper called "gang-related events", she and some friends of hers would take guys up to her apartment, beat the shit out of them, and steal their wallets, cars, and whatever else they had. She was facing four counts of aggravated assault and four counts of aggravated kidnapping, and due in court in October. She hung herself in solitary confinement instead.
I'm not sure how I feel yet, except angry.

I promise to update more. And I need some positive encouragement. I've been toying with the idea of reading Anna Karenina. Comments? Questions? Suggestions?

I post this for Jackie and Chris, mostly. Everyone else can fuck off. Vote, dammit!

Too tired to say anything else.

I have been baking a lot lately. I have gone through four pounds of sugar in a month. Of course, I drink at least two cups of coffee at home a day (when I spend the night at home, so about half the time), but that's not that much sugar. Good lord. I'm running low on flour, too.

I made oatmeal raisin cookies today. I stole my mom's Woman's Day Encyclopedia of Cooking (published in 1966), and I'm really excited about some of these recipes. Being as old as it is, this cookbook doesn't apologize for the amount of butter or sugar it calls for: a recipe for two dozen oatmeal raisin cookies called for two sticks of butter and two cups of sugar. I'm waiting for them to cool as I type, and I shall report on the fatty deliciousness of them soon. On that note, I need to make a playlist for cooking. Its rather difficult to skip some of the boring classical (used for studying), slow jazz, or Journey (that somehow managed to find its way on to my iPod) when your hands are covered in sticky buttery sugary mixtures.

Oh, yeah. I'm taking bets on how long Peter will last without smoking. Of course, he cheated thought outside the box and only gave up cigarettes, not all forms of smoking, so last night Peter, Edmond, and I smoked out of Jackie's hookah, and Peter kept his Lenten promise. ::cough cough:: Sweet melon flavored tobacco is quite tasty. Thanks, Jackie. And Scrabble is awesome. Totz ftw. Jackie, too bad you couldn't CUM.

Oh, the cookies are delicious.

...my new cell phone.

I woke up today thinking that today was going to be really shitty, but I was proven wrong all day. I thought I was running late to work, but I clocked in right on time. Thank Christ our clock is five minutes slow, but it actually said 10:00 on the dot. I had to deal with annoying new hires at work all day today, but it wasn't that bad, and the sales I got generated a decent amount of commission. Plus, I didn't get yelled at once today, and I got a comment card from a customer who called me "an asset to EyeMasters." Woot. I feel bad, because I don't even remember this lady, but apparently she was impressed. Then, I went to the Sprint store to go admire my new phone with one of my co-workers. The phone at the store was going to cost me $280. I thought I'd go ahead and get it - I hate, hate, HATE the phone I have now. Then he told me I am eligible for a $75 instant rebate plus a $50 mail in rebate. My co-worker dragged me out of there and told me to go to Best Buy first. I found my new phone, the Sprint Rumor, for $50. I shit you not. It has a slideout keyboard, camera, memory card, and really decent sound. And I was in and out in less than half an hour. Now I just have to figure out how to use my memory card.

I hollowed out a book today, like they do on TV. It was British Romantic Writers. Vomit. A worthy choice. This was practice for a later project, so yes, I am "defacing books left and right," as Peter put it. There is a method to my madness, though. It isn't as easy as I thought it would be in some ways, but in other ways, its easier. Should this be a project you want to try, here are a few hints. Use an X-Acto knife (or the sharpest thing you can find), because a box cutter basically just shreds the paper. Glue the sides of the book first, using a water-Elmer's glue solution, about a 50/50 ratio. Too much water, and it gets runny; not enough water, and you just have a big ol' sticky mess. Oh, and it helps to have music to help with the repetition.

I'm going on with reading fifty books this year, but I'm giving myself a little break in that I'm including books I've already read. I've read To Kill a Mockingbird, Memoirs of a Geisha, Caramelo, World War Z, The Ruins, Lamb (thanks to Peter), Welcome to the Monkey House, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Macbeth, Inferno, and D-Day (Stephen Ambrose). I'm already hunting for my next read. Suggestions welcome.

I just received a super-fancy black Scrabble set. No one will play with me. Apparently I'm that good. Yes, that was a challenge. Step up, bitches.

And it is officially Ash Wednesday. This year, I'm giving up eating during daylight hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Unfortunately, I can't do this on days that I work - my schedule is erratic enough as it is, and my breaks revolve around ten other people; that means on work days, I may not get to eat until ten p.m. No, thank you. I already have enough issues with low blood sugar. I thank Chris for this idea, though. We just thought about it a couple of hours ago.

Peter is giving up smoking for Lent (with his birthday as the one dispensation). I'm taking bets on how long this will last.

...chips and salsa. I don't know why, but I've been craving really spicy foods. I went to Chili's today, got the chips and salsa to go, came home, and dumped a quarter of a bottle of Tabasco into the salsa. No, I'm not pregnant. But still, this is kind of weird. Anyone know if there are any vitamins/other nutrients that are found in spicy foods (specifically salsa) that would make me crave it? You know, how you might crave cheese if you really need calcium or something? Except this has been going on for a couple months. Hmmm...